A Marriage Wrought In The Fires of Whatever

(Plus DM’s Ultimatum)
By now you’ve no doubt heard the news of the amazing merger b’twixt Mega Man Network and Megaman Outpost. I’m going to set the record straight here, just to make sure there are no more wild rumors.

First off, the merger did not come about as a result of an illicit tryst between Slash and Reeve. Yes, there was an illicit tryst, but very little business was discussed (actually, very few words were spoken at all).

Secondly, there’s been some rumor that the merger is just a legitimate front for a underground drug trafficking ring. Nothing could
be further from the truth, actually. We’re dealing in counterfeit Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. Huge market. Bob’s your uncle.

Thirdly and finally, yes, I am disgustingly, irrevocably sexy. I know the rumor’s been floating around out there for a while, but I figured that the brave thing to do would be to step out and openly admit to the world that I really am ridiculously attractive. While I’m at it, I suppose I should fess up to being a witty, brilliant genius. I only hope that society can accept me for what I am.[1]

OK. Now that the rumors have been settled, let’s get down to what you can expect from the Network/Outpost merger. First off, all of the content from both sites will be married into one gigantic conglomerate of stuff. Basically, if there was something you wanted to see on the Network site, it will be there, along with a bunch of stuff from the Outpost site. For example, if you wanted some Metal Shark Player concept art, more than likely, you’d be able to find it on the new site. If you wanted a walkthrough for Mega Man 4, guess what? It’ll be on the site. If you want Iris x Alia yuri? That won’t be on the site, but you can click here if you want some. Basically, you’ll get everything that the two sites provided and then some.

Another new feature of the site will be our renewed desire to be as completely, stupidly, excessively comprehensive as is humanly possible. To this end, we have extensively scoured the wretched hive of scum and villainy that is Fanfiction.net for anything pertaining to the Mega Man series, so we can work it into our summaries and analyses. Some may argue that fanfiction is stupid and does not fit into the Mega Man canon, but we at Mega Man Network must take issue with that judgment. Besides, going through all that awful writing is making Reeve yell at things that aren’t there and eat glass (he claims it tastes like chicken). I should probably intervene to protect my friend’s sanity, but I’ve made thirty bucks so far on betting what he will and won’t eat (so far, Heineken bottles and garbage cans have been his favorites; Slash thinks he can get him to eat a slug, I’m not so certain), so I’m not about to give up this little source of entertainment. I bet if he really starts to go over the edge, we can get some table dances.

So I hope you see that this merger will be a fantastic opportunity for all Mega Man fans to continue being what they are.[2]

Now, I’d like to address you guys personally for a moment, humor columnist-to-…uh…you. I realize that I’ve been busy eating sushi off of the taut, toned stomachs of countless beautiful Asian women, and as such have not had the chance to write anything that might be construed as a Fiber column. Sure, Reeve calls it “finding a fill-in” for when I’m “too busy”. But I see the writing on the wall! I know this is just a clever attempt to oust me and infuse new creative blood into this institution I have created!

Well, the hell if I’m going to let him do that! I’m laying down the law right here and right now. I’m not going to let someone just take over what I’ve created! There’s nobody he could hire that could outfunny me on the funniest day of their life if they had an electrified funny machine! Yeah, I’ll grant that I haven’t been keeping up with things the way I should. But come on, people! That sushi isn’t going to eat itself! And you have to see the looks on those girls’ faces when “Moogle-san ^________^” doesn’t show up for lunch. It’ll break your heart.

Plus, there just hasn’t been a lot going on in the Mega Man world as of late. With no new material, I’m forced to drag old jokes through the mud until they’re gasping and decrepit, and that’s when I hit them in the head with a hammer. I just can’t bring myself to do that every week, which is why recent installments of Fiber have been so few and far between. Well, that, and the aforementioned Asian girls, but largely it’s been due to the lack that there’s not really a lot of new jokes I can make. Also, there’s not a lot of new Mega Man games on the horizon. Until we know more about Mega Man X7 and the Battle Network sequels coming out, it’s kind of hard to crack jokes about them without resorting to the aforementioned half-dead running gags.

So, yes, I know that Fiber has been a barren wasteland as of late, and I apologize for that. But, quite frankly, you get what you pay for. I mean, if you all sent me a thousand-dollar check, I would probably be able to churn out the finest humor column ever…daily, even. Hell, I could probably work out something every hour or so.

Not to say that I’m completely bereft of new ideas. For example, I just got this one:

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Since Capcom is never entirely sure as to whether Reploids are robots or humans, this begs the question: are there Reploid children? Logically, we can assume so, since some Reploids are built to be older, or at least look older. Following that flow of thought, we can assume that some Reploids are built to be childlike. Ignoring the possibility of pedophiliac engineers (that’s Xenosaga‘s territory), one must wonder that if there are Reploid children, are there Reploid parents? And if so, are there parenting magazines available for them? I’d imagine they’d read like the tech section of Computer Gaming World:

My son is having difficulty concentrating in school. What do you recommend to help him?

Sounds like the problem is a memory issue. If your son is running on anything less than 512 MB of RAM, lockups can occur, which would explain his behavior. I recommend adding another 256 MB of DDRAM to whatever he’s got now. If that doesn’t work, you might be better off buying a new son.

I’m having difficulty weaning my child off of the breast and onto the bottle. What do you suggest?

You might need to upgrade your kids’ motherboard. If his mobo is outdated, software and hardware conflicts can be expected. You should be able to find something reasonable on Pricewatch.com, but don’t be afraid to spend a little extra for a high-end model, to make the teenage years a little easier on the both of you.

I’m worried about my daughter. Her grades have fallen drastically, she’s dressing in black and smoking, and she’s writing really bad poetry about the dark void that is her life. I’m at the end of my rope. Help me!

It sounds like your daughter is suffering from severe hardware conflicts. Perhaps a hard reboot is in order. I hear that the Hunters‘ Re-Education programs are excellent. Most kids love it so much that they never come back, and there’s no dropout rate!

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So that’s why updates have been slow. I imagine when more information is known about X7 and Mega Man news in general picks up (or at least gets more interesting), you can expect more regular (har) Fiber updates. If you want a nonstop fountain of comedy, though, send Reeve your bad Mega Man fanfiction. He really loves Dragon Ball Z crossovers. Trust me, it’s good for endless amounts of hilarity – heck, probably more than I could ever provide. It’s amazing how funny desperate insanity can be when it’s not you who’s dancing on tables.

-DarkMoogle, WHO IS ALL THAT IS MAN!

1. ↑ Really, really good looking
2. ↑ You don’t want me to finish this sentence.

LanceHeart